Writing (drafting) & revising are two totally different things.

Yeah, you'd think I'd have known that before now, since I spent most of last year slashing and hacking at ACCURSED, rewriting scenes, upping character motivations, going through sentence by sentence to try and make every word exactly what I wanted (BTW-- that task? Not really possible & I'm sure I failed it a number of times. But 'letting go' is a post for another time).

So when I finally got back to working on DARLINGTON I thought I'd learned SO much. I thought I was going to just pick it up, run to The End and then BAM! I'd be back in revisions.

Heh. *twitch* Right. Not so much.

See, while revising I can indulge my totally insane detail-oriented self, but when drafting-- even when drafting a story where I know exactly where I want it to go-- I can't do that. Agonizing over each sentence just leaves me with three sentences & a sense of dread at the end of the day.

Yesterday someone linked to this piece on Twitter and this line in particular really resonated with me:

If you edit your thoughts before you get them down on paper - or onto your computer - you'll squeeze the life out of your message. You may even choke it off completely.

I've finally come to admit that I will never be someone who can edit as they go. Now, I don't think the above sentence applies to everyone, since everyone writes differently and I know a lot of great writers who do think before they type.

But I'm not one of them.

My problem getting this draft of DARLINGTON down wasn't that I didn't know where the story was going (mostly, I have for months). My problem wasn't that there wasn't enough action, that I don't know the character motivations well enough, anything else I went to & tried to "figure out." My problem was that I wasn't just letting myself make mistakes. I didn't want to write yet another manuscript that took me nearly a year to revise into submission-shape. But I'd forgotten that before that whole "revising" step came the "get the hell to the end" step.

And to get there, I have to allow myself to make mistakes.

Now, I could get into the myriad of reasons as to why I was holding too tightly to the reins of the story, but that's a long (& kind-of personal) post for another day. Let's just say for now, I've let them go. This means the writing is actually happening. It also means I've forgotten half of what I said & now need to re-read the last six chapters or so to figure out the next step.

Frustrating? Yes. But better than staring at the screen, dragging out one word a minute and feeling totally worthless.

First, I want you all to go here and see the amazing trailer for BORN WICKED, premiered exclusively through Entertainment Weekly. It's pretty much the awesomest thing ever (er, after the book, of course!).

Next I want to talk a little about ACCURSED (& etc.), mainly cause I've still been feeling a little down on myself about not doing enough last year.`

I started ACCURSED at the end of 2009. In my records for December 10, 2009 it's called "Something New." Later I retitled to "Quents" (a level of Curse-working in the book) & then finally changed it to "Accursed". Which means I have worked with Gen & her story (and potential later-story stuff, for now just to give her a place to go when I can't get her voice out of my head) for about two years & one month.

In those 764 days I wrote ~363454 words about Genevieve. (First draft, edits, plotting notes & randomness)

That is approximately 1454 pages.

Or about 476 words per day since she first said "I wish..."

In five revisions, plus random "outside the story" scenes.

So I guess I can cut myself a bit of slack in feeling like I did nothing in 2011, especially considering I...

Wrote nearly 106000 words in/about Darlington.

Did just over 35000 words of critique (quite a bit of it on the book in the above trailer! Eee!)

Added nearly 21000 words to Arion's (The Ties of Blood) world.

Agonized over 14000 words of "pitch material" (i. e. query, synopsis, etc)

Played with nearly 12000 words on the new alt-word futuristic historical mystery (with bonus!magic)

Managed about 4500 words in random pieces.

Found nearly 2200 more words for the Haunted Restaurant Cinderella

And wrote just over 1300 words in the Angel/Immortal piece that's going to be super-difficult for me.

(Also, there was a pitiful 299 words in W&F world, but that story/series is going to have to wait until I know how to fix it.)

So while I didn't get to write as much as I wanted in 2011, apparently I still wrote quite a bit :)

Today is Epiphany. I hadn't thought about that when I kept putting off writing my "New Year" post, but it seems fitting.

For the last couple weeks I've had resolutions on my mind. I knew I hadn't written as much in 2011 as I did in 2010. I knew the word count goals I tend to have were going to have to change. I knew my thinking about goals in general had to change.

One thing that's been hard for me to really wrap my mind around is the fact that 2011 wasn't the year I had wanted it to be. It really, really wasn't. Barely being able to type most of February into March sucked. Trying to learn to use voice recognition software (to write fiction) was disastrous. I had thought I'd begin querying in the spring. If by spring I'd meant late fall, well, then yes, I did that. I'd thought a lot of things about 2011 that just plain didn't happen.

No, 2011 was not the year I had wanted it to be. But it was the year I needed it to be. And that... that has been a hard thing to admit. I needed those months. I needed to learn more about what it meant to really dig in and revise a piece. I needed to learn what it meant to not be able to just spit out 1000-2000 words a day easy-peasy; my speed, while a good thing in many respects, was holding me back in terms of quality and truly thinking about what I wanted my stories to be.

Did I make mistakes last year? Yes. Am I still upset I didn't get more work done? Honestly, yes. I'm not even posting my yearly word count because 1) I'm unhappy with it and 2) I don't have all the data yet (due to hand-writing a bunch at the end of 2011 & not yet typing it up). And the final reason: I can't just play the numbers game.

I will still keep my word count records. I'm a stat nerd, I love having that kind of data to dig into when I want a fix ;-) But I can't let the numbers be my only guide. They're a signpost of what I'm getting accomplished, but the goal is not to simply spit out as many words as I can in a year.

The goal is to write something publishable.

So. My goal for 2012?

Write good stories. Edit good stories into even better ones. Do the absolute best work I can possibly do with my current skill set, and push that skill set-- not to the breaking point, but to the point where I'm being challenged.

I can't run myself into the ground anymore, but neither can I let things sit in the name of "not killing myself." I can rationalize all sorts of things into that category, and when I stopped to think about what I wanted to do more of this year, only one thing really came to mind.

Write.

Writing is what makes me happy. Not writing does not make me happy. I'm not going to force a word count goal, but neither will I allow a couple hundred words a day to suffice when I know-- I know-- I can do better. I can do more. Some days, yeah, I'll write 11 words (my lowest daily count last year-- editing my first 500 words of ACCURSED for SCBWI conference). But I want to get myself back in "fighting shape."

To that end, I'm taking a page from my CP's book. Jess does "touchstone words" for the year. Her post about her words for 2012, CREATE and CELEBRATE, is here. My words are a bit different: BELIEVE and STRONGER. Last year was a lot of loss of belief and, while I gained writing strengths, a loss of confidence in my strengths. I don't want to get lost in those places again.

Finally, my laptop wallpaper right now is this one from Smashing Magazine. The quote is "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." Do with that what you will.

Here's to 2012 & the start of something good.

ETA: To ease Ms. Spotswood's concerns, I also resolve to continue taking care of myself & not write myself to death. ;-)

I'm currently reworking THE TIES OF BLOOD, my alt-world Regency-era dark wizardy YA, a.k.a. my heart book. Adding the MC's "girlfriend's" POV wound up working much better than I'd expected, but something was still not-quite-right. Isi's first person sections were taking over the narrative, her voice so compelling it was detracting from the MC's storyline. Now, she's not in a number of key scenes, so having her narrate the whole thing wasn't ever going to work. So I decided to put the whole darn thing in first person, dual-narration.

I hadn't wanted A. in first person. For one, he's so very damaged it's just not a fun place to reside for however long it takes me to rework this opening yet again. {I'm always snappish & irritable when working on this part. Apparently I'm very method that way ;-)} For another thing, every other time I've written in his first-person voice, he sounds quite modern. But writing Isis in third didn't work, so I decided moving A. to first was what the story needed, & attempted reworking chapter one.

It was horrid. Dull & lifeless, making me throw my hands up in frustration. I knew how to fix the book, but it Would Not Cooperate. So I went back to my fifth ACCURSED revision (it was time to work on that anyway) & decided I'd try and plow ahead in the book some more before giving first person another go (yeah, that didn't happen, either).

Fast-forward to few weeks ago. I was in the kitchen-- I assume doing dishes, since I certainly wasn't cooking-- and a line popped into my head:

My father only ever cared for Marius.

And I knew I had found A's voice.

Now, I first "heard" him in first person, and then switched to third when I realized I couldn't sustain first person male POV for an entire novel (at the time-- I think I probably could now). I've gone back to first a few times for backstory or side-scenes or character interviews but never sustained it for long until now.

It's... odd. Being this close to him. Isis is a much more natural voice for me. I have to pay more attention in his voice. But it's so worth it to really see this story inside his head, however messed up it is at this particular point in the story.

And he's funny. I mean, I knew that, but it's different than being on the outside looking in.

Part of me wants to put all the POVs in third so I can switch as need be-- I'd love to give some scenes from Josephine or Mordecai or Connor-- but this feels right. Hard, as all good things are, but right.

Now if someone could tell him to talk a wee bit faster...

I'm currently working on three projects. Yeah. Three.

It was supposed to be only two-- writing the first draft of DARLINGTON and revising THE TIES OF BLOOD. Totally doable, right?

And then... My lovely brain decided to throw me a curve. See, back in February I got this idea for a new story. I think it was partly dream-inspired but I don't really remember the dream anymore, just waking up with an image in my mind & a couple characters. So as I do when these things happen, I wrote it down. I didn't get any more thoughts on it until June, when the MC's name changed. So I wrote it down, along with the other few notes I came up with at the same time.

Until Thanksgiving. And that was when my new MC, Nat, decided to give me all sorts of things. I was in the back of the minivan with my whole family, on the way home from my dad's cousin's house where we go every other year, and I had no paper (bad writer, no cookie!). But I did have my Reader. Which has a text notes section. So I sat there & tapped at the on-screen keyboard (poorly) for about a page worth of text.

I wrote about 1600 words when I got back that night and I knew I wasn't getting out of that story there. I also realized that, since I've been saying how I'm so-very-not a plotter, guess what? My brain threw a murder mystery at me.

I've always wanted to write a mystery. I'm totally a fantasy girl now, but growing up? Mystery all the way. My favorite Black Stallion book? The Black Stallion Mystery. My favorite Baby-Sitter's Club books were the mystery series. I inhaled Nancy Drew & The Nancy Drew Files. I graduated to Lilian Jackson Braun & Agatha Christie. I still watch mostly cop/detective shows on TV-- Castle & Bones specifically are my favorites, especially since both combine authors & crime-fighting. And now, I have a mystery on the brain! But...

How does one write a mystery???

Yes, ACCURSED is a mystery. But I freely admit that I had no idea it was when I started it, and that it morphs into one throughout the plot-- I had a lot of time to get to know the characters before I figured out whodunit. This new book, which I thought would be another exercise in setting like DARLINGTON (I'm calling it Alt-World Futuristic Historical), is turning into an exercise in plotting instead. Because I have to know who killed Inger to get anywhere past the first couple chapters.

My brain feels very 'splodey thinking about it. But also excited. I'm gleefully planning to read more Agatha Christie than I've read in the last few years, re-watch all my Castle DVDs, and my copy of Sue Grafton's "Writing Mysteries", which is already tabbed-up from revising ACCURSED, is about to get even more post-its.

Of course, I'm also still working on DARLINGTON (all I have is with my CP awaiting her cheer-leading) & THE TIES OF BLOOD, which now has a new first line in A's perspective, since I'm changing his voice to first person, too. I tried this before & it just Was Not Working, but with this new line I've found him again. Yay! But this does mean I'm actively writing three books again.

Honestly, I love this part. One of these projects will pull ahead & take precedence (I assume DARLINGTON, since it's closest to first-draft completion), but until then, it's so fun hopping in & out of these three totally different worlds & playing with so many wonderful characters that I love.

Anybody else playing with multi projects right now? Or writing a mystery?

It's almost the end of NaNoWriMo & JoNoWriMo +1.5. I know a bunch of you are on deadlines. So I think we all need a little Dory:

Just keep swimming

ETA: Er, so, apparently the embed option cuts off part of the player. But it should still work.

This year I am thankful for something very odd.

I'm thankful my wrists stopped working.

Weird, yes. But I have reasoning.

I type fast. Very fast. (Every vendor from werk that's ever heard me type comments on it.) And in that fast typing I can get a lot of words in. The problem with that is that I tend to rush things-- drafting, revising, re-revising. It's a good thing for drafting, IMO. If I take too much time to "think" the draft, I get blocked and even though I do tend to push through fairly easily, the blocks are never fun & always frustrating.

But when I couldn't draft while revising, I had to concentrate on revising. I had to focus. And I had to have a Serious Plan, because flailing at it wasn't an option when I only had a few good hours of "wrist time" a day (and during the really bad weeks, it was barely an hour, maybe, if I pushed too hard).

If I hadn't had to slow down, I don't think ACCURSED would be as solid as it is. And that is something I am very thankful for.

Of course, I'm also thankful for a number of other things. I met a lot of writers this year at various retreats & events (*waves to Caroline, Robin, Miranda, Guin, Lynn & Sonia*). I've gotten to talk to them about writing & their books & life & I'm so glad to be able to commiserate with so many fabulous people! And of course, my on-going writing friends, who put up with me for quite a while now (*waves to Tiffany T., Tiffany S., Amie & Dhonielle*) And of course my beta readers, without whom I'd still be lost in revision-land!

I'm always thankful for my wonderful, supportive husband & family (Emmers, my parents, sister & extended family). My in-person crit group, who has been together over five years now (is it five? or six? Janelle, help me out here!). My bestie, b, of course, who reads all my stuff & still doesn't think I'm too crazy to talk to. ;-) And my werk friends, who keep me sane in the dungeon.

And of course, I'm insanely grateful for my amazing CP, Jessica Spotswood. Jess, thanks for making me a better writer, talking me off multiple ledges & for letting me share in your cramazing ride this year. But most of all, thanks for being my friend. Whatever serendipitous internet meet-ups led to us being CPs, I'm so glad they happened :)

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody :)

A tweet from Ms. Jessica Spotswood got me thinking about the number of books I've read this year-- a measly 43. (Jess is ahead of me, if you didn't bother reading the tweet-- and I totally think the 20 plays counts toward books. Yes, I realize they're totally different, but I still think it counts.)

It was a resolution of mine to read twice as many books this year as I did last year (40) so I think I'll probably fall short of the 80-book mark, but I want to get as many in before December 31 as I can!

So what are you reading now? What was the last book you absolutely loved that I must add to my TBR list? What looks good that you can't wait to get your hands on? I wanna know!

Through. I know this. But I still hit the midpoint of DARLINGTON and came to a screeching halt.

Technically, I knew what came next-ish. I just had to get there. But did I just write the chapter? No. I puttered around with a few false starts, I asked my crit group, I stared at the last few paragraphs I'd written with my hands in my hair. All the usual things.

And then I went backwards. Instead of jumping straight into chapter 24, I revised chapter 23. Found the problem. Or rather, a problem, as I'm sure there are more. And I went from there. Wrote a couple chapters that meander. Refused to let myself be upset at the meandering, because therein was my problem.

I wasn't letting myself meander.

Like I said in my last post, I am an over-writer. But I'd forgotten just how huge a part of my process that over-writing is. I know it's going to make revision a huge pain, but I have to let my brain process the gap between the big things, and the way I process that is by letting my characters do what I do-- think about things. Talk about things. Take a shower. Have a glass of juice. When I go back to revise it, yes, most of these meandering parts will be taken out.

But I have to have them there in the first place or I can't push through.

This NaNo pep talk from Neil Gaiman is also a huge help. If even Neil Gaiman hits the middle(-ish) of a novel and thinks it all sucks, well, I guess I can keep going, too-- cause the only way out is through.

I'm at another part where I know where I'm going, but not quite how to get there. So I'm meandering. My characters are currently sitting on couches and talking out something three out of five of them already talked out. But we're doing it again. I'm calling this scene "once more with feeling*" and I'll cut it down to just the feelings later, but for now, they're rehashing an issue with the antagonist. And maybe I'll throw in some more angst, cause Princey-boy hasn't been angsty enough lately & he needs shaken up.

But until the shaking-up, they're gonna sit & talk as long as I need them to, to get to where I'm going.

Anyone else mid-point-ing it up? Got any tips for beating the third quarter** freak-outs?

*No singing, though. Sorry Buffy fans.

**Yeah, I write in quarters, not three acts.