You know those days when everything kinda knits together to point you in a certain direction?

I'm having one of those days.

This weekend is the SCBWI event in Maryland, tonight I'm going to the midnight Harry Potter premiere, and both of those things are exciting in their own right. But the last few days weeks months, I've been feeling a bit... off. Stressed. Afraid. Doubtful.

It's because of ACCURSED, and it's everything: writing in general, my wrist issues, other IRL stuff. It's all been compounding, bringing with it the Doubt Monsters. I've avoided asking myself a very hard question, because I've been afraid of the answer.

Today, Victoria asked that question: "Do you want it badly enough?"

Lately, I've been afraid the answer was no. I have published friends & pre-published friends, so I've heard a lot of stories. I've been through some rounds of queries myself. I've seen what others are going through with their querying, what agented and already-published authors have gone through when things go wrong, what it's like when things go incandescently right.

And it all scared the hell out of me.

But just before reading Victoria's post today I picked up my brand new copy of Lisa Scroeder's" amazing novel-in-verse THE DAY BEFORE and started flipping the pages. I remembered being struck by the dedication when I read an eGalley, but this time it really caught my attention.

Lisa writes: "This one is for all of you who feel the fear and do it anyway, in writing and in life. You inspire me!"

I haven't felt the "do it anyway" lately. I've only felt the fear. And I read those words and realized I wanted to be like that, I wanted to be like someone who could inspire Lisa, especially since she inspires me so much.

Then Victoria tweeted the link to her blog, and there was the scary question. And there was this: "in order to survive emotionally, you have to want this SO BADLY. You have to want it enough that your want outweighs your fear."

And something kinda... clicked. I do want it.

I want it SO BADLY. If I didn't, the Doubt Monsters wouldn't be so big right now. If I didn't, why was I bothering on a fifth round of revisions on two separate novels? Why was I writing a fourth novel? Why was I jotting down notes for a fifth, sixth, seventh?

Because damn it, I want it.

And then James Scott Bell tweeted a link to his July 10th "Kill Zone" post, "Writers and Doubt" and that last little piece I needed was there. He says, "Don't ever let the waves of doubt stop you. Body surf them back to shore, let the energy of them flow through your fingertips. That's the only real "secret" to this game."

So today I go back to the keyboard. I stop fiddling with already-written words, stop pretending that editing a not-yet-finished novel is the same as writing*, and let the doubts come out.

Today things lined up. Today I feel the fear. Today I write anyway.

*I was avoiding. This is not a slam against anyone else's writing process, but an acknowledgment of my own issues.