First, I want you all to go here and see the amazing trailer for BORN WICKED, premiered exclusively through Entertainment Weekly. It's pretty much the awesomest thing ever (er, after the book, of course!).

Next I want to talk a little about ACCURSED (& etc.), mainly cause I've still been feeling a little down on myself about not doing enough last year.`

I started ACCURSED at the end of 2009. In my records for December 10, 2009 it's called "Something New." Later I retitled to "Quents" (a level of Curse-working in the book) & then finally changed it to "Accursed". Which means I have worked with Gen & her story (and potential later-story stuff, for now just to give her a place to go when I can't get her voice out of my head) for about two years & one month.

In those 764 days I wrote ~363454 words about Genevieve. (First draft, edits, plotting notes & randomness)

That is approximately 1454 pages.

Or about 476 words per day since she first said "I wish..."

In five revisions, plus random "outside the story" scenes.

So I guess I can cut myself a bit of slack in feeling like I did nothing in 2011, especially considering I...

Wrote nearly 106000 words in/about Darlington.

Did just over 35000 words of critique (quite a bit of it on the book in the above trailer! Eee!)

Added nearly 21000 words to Arion's (The Ties of Blood) world.

Agonized over 14000 words of "pitch material" (i. e. query, synopsis, etc)

Played with nearly 12000 words on the new alt-word futuristic historical mystery (with bonus!magic)

Managed about 4500 words in random pieces.

Found nearly 2200 more words for the Haunted Restaurant Cinderella

And wrote just over 1300 words in the Angel/Immortal piece that's going to be super-difficult for me.

(Also, there was a pitiful 299 words in W&F world, but that story/series is going to have to wait until I know how to fix it.)

So while I didn't get to write as much as I wanted in 2011, apparently I still wrote quite a bit :)

*waits for a rousing chorus of "Hi, Dr. Nick!"*

*crickets*

OK, enough Simpsons references...

Anyway! I've been in that weird post-draft place where I want to do ALL THE THINGS I couldn't while working on my revision, and simultaneously I want to do nothing at all, sit on the couch & watch Ugly Betty on Instant Watch.

I've been attempting both, but mostly only managing the second. Time for that to change! This week I have my critique group, next week I have my super-fantastic book group, I actually managed to meet a friend/mentor for coffee this past week (*waves to Kaye*) & so I'm declaring it Goal Setting Day.

With the most recent draft of ACCURSED off to the beta readers, I'm trying to claw my way through my query & synopsis. I believe yesterday I tweeted that I hate writing query letters "with the hate of a thousand stabbitys" but, well, that's not entirely true. I do hate it, but only until I find the right groove-- then it's just awesome. Until then, well, I've never been a particularly patient person (I know, I so chose the right profession, huh? Publishing is like, super-fast and never, ever frustrating, right? *snort*), so I will continue to gnash my teeth & yell at my computer screen until I find the right way to pitch this darn book. At least I gave it an appropriate title for all the swearing, right? ;-)

So, Goal #1is to be ready to query between October 1st and October 7th. I probably won't say much about it once I start, but I will let y'all know if I managed to meet the new "query-date" goal.

Second goal! I've mentioned before how I'm getting my website set up. What I'm not sure if I've mentioned is that my new website will include a critique service. I'm attempting to not have to work more hours at the day-job & so am now doing paid critiques. Keep an eye out for when I launch the new site, I'll be doing a "free first chapter critique" contest for helping to spread the word-- also, you'll have my eternal gratitude. :)

Goal #2 is to have the website ready-to-go this time next week. It's possible it will be up earlier, depends on my post-werk, non-critiquing-for-group hours, but I'm shooting for next Monday for the "grand unveiling" & contest start.

And then there's Goal #3. I've signed up for jonowrimo again this year & my goal there is to have a draft of DARLINGTON ready for betas by December 1. Now, of course a lot of reaching that goal rides on if other things fall into place, but I know where I'm going, I just have to figure out how to get there. :)

Finally, Goal #4: I miss my LJ friends! I still read my Friends page regularly, but I haven't been a good LJ participant lately. So I'm going to aim for twice-weekly blogging, if just to check in & see how things are going with all of you!

Now, do any of you have any new goals? Participating in JoNo? Trying a new writing technique, recipe, or just determined to relax more? Let me know! :)

You know those days when everything kinda knits together to point you in a certain direction?

I'm having one of those days.

This weekend is the SCBWI event in Maryland, tonight I'm going to the midnight Harry Potter premiere, and both of those things are exciting in their own right. But the last few days weeks months, I've been feeling a bit... off. Stressed. Afraid. Doubtful.

It's because of ACCURSED, and it's everything: writing in general, my wrist issues, other IRL stuff. It's all been compounding, bringing with it the Doubt Monsters. I've avoided asking myself a very hard question, because I've been afraid of the answer.

Today, Victoria asked that question: "Do you want it badly enough?"

Lately, I've been afraid the answer was no. I have published friends & pre-published friends, so I've heard a lot of stories. I've been through some rounds of queries myself. I've seen what others are going through with their querying, what agented and already-published authors have gone through when things go wrong, what it's like when things go incandescently right.

And it all scared the hell out of me.

But just before reading Victoria's post today I picked up my brand new copy of Lisa Scroeder's" amazing novel-in-verse THE DAY BEFORE and started flipping the pages. I remembered being struck by the dedication when I read an eGalley, but this time it really caught my attention.

Lisa writes: "This one is for all of you who feel the fear and do it anyway, in writing and in life. You inspire me!"

I haven't felt the "do it anyway" lately. I've only felt the fear. And I read those words and realized I wanted to be like that, I wanted to be like someone who could inspire Lisa, especially since she inspires me so much.

Then Victoria tweeted the link to her blog, and there was the scary question. And there was this: "in order to survive emotionally, you have to want this SO BADLY. You have to want it enough that your want outweighs your fear."

And something kinda... clicked. I do want it.

I want it SO BADLY. If I didn't, the Doubt Monsters wouldn't be so big right now. If I didn't, why was I bothering on a fifth round of revisions on two separate novels? Why was I writing a fourth novel? Why was I jotting down notes for a fifth, sixth, seventh?

Because damn it, I want it.

And then James Scott Bell tweeted a link to his July 10th "Kill Zone" post, "Writers and Doubt" and that last little piece I needed was there. He says, "Don't ever let the waves of doubt stop you. Body surf them back to shore, let the energy of them flow through your fingertips. That's the only real "secret" to this game."

So today I go back to the keyboard. I stop fiddling with already-written words, stop pretending that editing a not-yet-finished novel is the same as writing*, and let the doubts come out.

Today things lined up. Today I feel the fear. Today I write anyway.

*I was avoiding. This is not a slam against anyone else's writing process, but an acknowledgment of my own issues.

I just spent 3 hours on a 1200 word scene. It used to be 1100 words. I added 528 words.

When I went from D1 to D2, I lost 4k. I also added around 26k.

D2 to D3 I lost just over 5k. (And probably added about 5k of edits; this was a quick draft)

D3 to D4 was down about 11k. (I have no idea how many edits I added, but I completely rewrote at least 4 chapters.)

As of now, D5 is about 300 words lighter. I've lost count of how much I've rewritten, it's just that much.

And this is where I start panicking. Cause, OMG, it's still a bit too long for where I want it.

This is also where I have to take a step back and remind myself that my life is not dependent on word counts. Yes, it is a good indicator in a query of whether or not I know what I'm doing. That's why I'm worried-- cause while I'll never know exactly what I'm doing (what writer does?), I know the ins and outs so much better now.

But the writing? That's what really counts. And I don't want to sound braggy (cause honestly I moan more about what still sucks than cheering what's good) but it's good.

Yeah, it's long. Yeah, I'm having a mild panic attack every time I look at the word count. But the work itself is so much better: the characters are richer, the world-building is stronger, and damn it, I just plain like it more.

Are there still things to fix? In a word (or two), hell yes. I'm about to make a new Revision To-Do list, because most of the Big Issues are fixed; I think I have two more scenes I really want to dig into. And there are snippets that, now that I've explained them elsewhere, can go. There are a couple scenes I was questioning that will probably be cut. (I can always put them back later if I have to.) I need a new list to keep track of it all.

Writing and revising this book has taught me more in the last year than just about anything else. It's been as intense as my Hollins MFA summers (though, those were only 6 weeks at a time) and harder than anything else I've done (including rewriting an entire manuscript nearly from memory to change tense and structure).

And as much as I can't wait to get back to first-drafting and all my other characters, I'm really looking forward to the feedback on this one. Because this story is going to be the best I can make it come hell or high water.

The last week or so I've been off. Snappish. Irritable. Stressed. No, teeth-clenching-eye-twitching-stressed.

I knew why. I was getting beta-reader feedback, and while it was all good (as in useful) some of it was also hard to hear. Not that I didn't want to hear it, but when it all hits at once (and with a few conflicting opinions), it gets a tad overwhelming.

I may have emailed a certain bestest-CP and totally freaked out on her. She may have talked me down some (OK, a lot) ;-)

But even her fantastic email couldn't take away the real reason for my freaking: the fear.

I have a polish to do on this manuscript, a query to revise and a synopsis to rewrite. And then? Then I roll the dice again and start querying.

I know that the fear isn't going to go away. That with every step forward in my career the fears will morph into different ones. But I can't let the fear keep me from trying, and that was what I was doing the last week. I was letting the fear take root without acknowledging that that was what was happening.

But today I turned on Gen's playlist and Kelly Clarkson's "If No One Will Listen" came on. And these lines really hit me:

No one can tell you where you alone must go

There's no telling what you'll find there

And God I know the fear that eats away at your bones

It's screaming every step just stay here

It was a bit of a "duh" moment. I went and opened my diary and wrote "I'm scared"-- cause I'd been talking around it, even to my diary for days. But that's it: I'm scared. Scared I'll screw up my book with revisions, scared I won't ever make it, even scared that I will.

I'm scared. And that's okay. Jess has put together some 'research,' and apparently so is everyone else.

The problem, the real stress, comes from letting it paralyze me; giving in and just staying here.

I think... I hope... I got over it a little tonight. I was wound up doing a character interview with Gen because the fear was still holding my brain hostage. So I asked her a bunch of questions, whatever was popping into my head, and then I found myself typing "When do you think you'll be ready to work on revisions again?"

Gen's Answer: "As soon as you stop being afraid of them. I'm not going anywhere; you can't change me. Stop worrying so much. You can mess with the details all you want. We'll be OK. I can take it, honest. All of it's already here, it's just the execution."

When Gen of all (imaginary) people is telling me not to worry? That's when I realize I've really gotta let it go.

There's a monster at the end of this book-- but there's one at the beginning, too. And on every page. It's always there, always Grover*. I can't live in fear of a monster that's just me.

Revising is scary. Querying is scary. Writing is scary.

But writing is me. So here I go.

*I've talked about this book before, but for those of you who aren't familiar, clickity

Back into the revision cave I go. I know, I know, I promised to be more interesting, but the work comes first, and I still have some work to do.

For now, I leave you with a quote:

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." ~ A. A. Milne

^^^obviously something I have to work on^^^

--

Also, betas! Last day to vote in the "thank you gift" poll, though it looks like option #2 is winning. Which possibly means I need to put it in the book somehow... o_O

*whispers* I might throw a lil Gen/Wynne in, too, for the romance fans ;-)

If at all possible, I'd like to have comments back by tomorrow evening (I've printed out the manuscript again & am ready to get cracking!). Comments by then will be most helpful.

However. Depending on what I end up doing, I could be working on it for another week (or more... argh), so if you miss tomorrow's "deadline" but finish over the weekend or so, I'd still love your thoughts!

I think I've told everyone who has gotten comments back to me, but if you haven't already voted in the "thank you" poll, please do so here (friend-locked for betas). (And, FYI, right now Gianni/Gen story is winning.)

Also, any help synopsisizing (also friend-locked, but with more filters) is greatly appreciated!

I promise I will post something more interesting soon. No, really. I have a few ideas floating around, I just gotta get the Real Work done first! :-D

Draft Four is DONE (unless I spot a stray typo between now & when I email it to betas).

Hopefully this means I will get back to being slightly more interesting on here.

I think I've tortured Genevieve enough for now. On to torturing Marna!

So... jessica_shea is a genius. Her notes got me thinking along "well, wait, what if..." lines &, well...

I'm rewriting my last chapter (or at least, brainstorming to rewrite it). It will be awesome.

I hope.

*shakes*

ETA: Also, my TANGLED DVD shipped today. I am SO excited you have no idea.

Edit v. revise, alter, rewrite, arrange materials for publication, prepare for the press, compose, compile, select, arrange, set up, censor, polish, finish, analyze, revise and correct, delete, condense, discard, strike out, write, proof-read, cut, trim, blue-pencil, doctor up*

Aside from "censor" and the assurances of "publication" and "the press", the words above summarize my current life. Less than 100 pages to go!

*from WEBSTER'S NEW WORLD THESAURUS by Charlton Laird (isn't that a fantastic name?) (c) 1974