Someone remind me next time I'm writing a first draft to outline as I go. No, not outline <>i>ahead (that just makes sure I don't write what I think I will) just write up a chapter-by-chapter blurb. *sigh* I'm up to chapter 30, I believe, out of what is currently 51 chapters. Next stop, novel inventory, writing giant Xs on my shrunken manuscript & putting all the notes I currently have on my manuscript on my iPhone into my printed manuscript.

After that, character jounaling until I figure out how my world actually works.

Then rewriting the end of act one, the opening of act two and the finale.

Then beta call (though 3 people I trust not to totally laugh at the craptasticness have it now). I'm thinking 2-3 months, but we'll see.

Ah, revising. The fun part. o_O

I'm currently reworking THE TIES OF BLOOD, my alt-world Regency-era dark wizardy YA, a.k.a. my heart book. Adding the MC's "girlfriend's" POV wound up working much better than I'd expected, but something was still not-quite-right. Isi's first person sections were taking over the narrative, her voice so compelling it was detracting from the MC's storyline. Now, she's not in a number of key scenes, so having her narrate the whole thing wasn't ever going to work. So I decided to put the whole darn thing in first person, dual-narration.

I hadn't wanted A. in first person. For one, he's so very damaged it's just not a fun place to reside for however long it takes me to rework this opening yet again. {I'm always snappish & irritable when working on this part. Apparently I'm very method that way ;-)} For another thing, every other time I've written in his first-person voice, he sounds quite modern. But writing Isis in third didn't work, so I decided moving A. to first was what the story needed, & attempted reworking chapter one.

It was horrid. Dull & lifeless, making me throw my hands up in frustration. I knew how to fix the book, but it Would Not Cooperate. So I went back to my fifth ACCURSED revision (it was time to work on that anyway) & decided I'd try and plow ahead in the book some more before giving first person another go (yeah, that didn't happen, either).

Fast-forward to few weeks ago. I was in the kitchen-- I assume doing dishes, since I certainly wasn't cooking-- and a line popped into my head:

My father only ever cared for Marius.

And I knew I had found A's voice.

Now, I first "heard" him in first person, and then switched to third when I realized I couldn't sustain first person male POV for an entire novel (at the time-- I think I probably could now). I've gone back to first a few times for backstory or side-scenes or character interviews but never sustained it for long until now.

It's... odd. Being this close to him. Isis is a much more natural voice for me. I have to pay more attention in his voice. But it's so worth it to really see this story inside his head, however messed up it is at this particular point in the story.

And he's funny. I mean, I knew that, but it's different than being on the outside looking in.

Part of me wants to put all the POVs in third so I can switch as need be-- I'd love to give some scenes from Josephine or Mordecai or Connor-- but this feels right. Hard, as all good things are, but right.

Now if someone could tell him to talk a wee bit faster...

You know those days when everything kinda knits together to point you in a certain direction?

I'm having one of those days.

This weekend is the SCBWI event in Maryland, tonight I'm going to the midnight Harry Potter premiere, and both of those things are exciting in their own right. But the last few days weeks months, I've been feeling a bit... off. Stressed. Afraid. Doubtful.

It's because of ACCURSED, and it's everything: writing in general, my wrist issues, other IRL stuff. It's all been compounding, bringing with it the Doubt Monsters. I've avoided asking myself a very hard question, because I've been afraid of the answer.

Today, Victoria asked that question: "Do you want it badly enough?"

Lately, I've been afraid the answer was no. I have published friends & pre-published friends, so I've heard a lot of stories. I've been through some rounds of queries myself. I've seen what others are going through with their querying, what agented and already-published authors have gone through when things go wrong, what it's like when things go incandescently right.

And it all scared the hell out of me.

But just before reading Victoria's post today I picked up my brand new copy of Lisa Scroeder's" amazing novel-in-verse THE DAY BEFORE and started flipping the pages. I remembered being struck by the dedication when I read an eGalley, but this time it really caught my attention.

Lisa writes: "This one is for all of you who feel the fear and do it anyway, in writing and in life. You inspire me!"

I haven't felt the "do it anyway" lately. I've only felt the fear. And I read those words and realized I wanted to be like that, I wanted to be like someone who could inspire Lisa, especially since she inspires me so much.

Then Victoria tweeted the link to her blog, and there was the scary question. And there was this: "in order to survive emotionally, you have to want this SO BADLY. You have to want it enough that your want outweighs your fear."

And something kinda... clicked. I do want it.

I want it SO BADLY. If I didn't, the Doubt Monsters wouldn't be so big right now. If I didn't, why was I bothering on a fifth round of revisions on two separate novels? Why was I writing a fourth novel? Why was I jotting down notes for a fifth, sixth, seventh?

Because damn it, I want it.

And then James Scott Bell tweeted a link to his July 10th "Kill Zone" post, "Writers and Doubt" and that last little piece I needed was there. He says, "Don't ever let the waves of doubt stop you. Body surf them back to shore, let the energy of them flow through your fingertips. That's the only real "secret" to this game."

So today I go back to the keyboard. I stop fiddling with already-written words, stop pretending that editing a not-yet-finished novel is the same as writing*, and let the doubts come out.

Today things lined up. Today I feel the fear. Today I write anyway.

*I was avoiding. This is not a slam against anyone else's writing process, but an acknowledgment of my own issues.

I just spent 3 hours on a 1200 word scene. It used to be 1100 words. I added 528 words.

When I went from D1 to D2, I lost 4k. I also added around 26k.

D2 to D3 I lost just over 5k. (And probably added about 5k of edits; this was a quick draft)

D3 to D4 was down about 11k. (I have no idea how many edits I added, but I completely rewrote at least 4 chapters.)

As of now, D5 is about 300 words lighter. I've lost count of how much I've rewritten, it's just that much.

And this is where I start panicking. Cause, OMG, it's still a bit too long for where I want it.

This is also where I have to take a step back and remind myself that my life is not dependent on word counts. Yes, it is a good indicator in a query of whether or not I know what I'm doing. That's why I'm worried-- cause while I'll never know exactly what I'm doing (what writer does?), I know the ins and outs so much better now.

But the writing? That's what really counts. And I don't want to sound braggy (cause honestly I moan more about what still sucks than cheering what's good) but it's good.

Yeah, it's long. Yeah, I'm having a mild panic attack every time I look at the word count. But the work itself is so much better: the characters are richer, the world-building is stronger, and damn it, I just plain like it more.

Are there still things to fix? In a word (or two), hell yes. I'm about to make a new Revision To-Do list, because most of the Big Issues are fixed; I think I have two more scenes I really want to dig into. And there are snippets that, now that I've explained them elsewhere, can go. There are a couple scenes I was questioning that will probably be cut. (I can always put them back later if I have to.) I need a new list to keep track of it all.

Writing and revising this book has taught me more in the last year than just about anything else. It's been as intense as my Hollins MFA summers (though, those were only 6 weeks at a time) and harder than anything else I've done (including rewriting an entire manuscript nearly from memory to change tense and structure).

And as much as I can't wait to get back to first-drafting and all my other characters, I'm really looking forward to the feedback on this one. Because this story is going to be the best I can make it come hell or high water.

1) I'm still revising. As far as I can tell, this is a good thing. Of course, I've also been head-first into this book for so long that I really have no clue. But it's vaguely painful, so I assume it's good. ;-)

2) Starting Memorial Day weekend, this summer is going to be busy. And by summer, I really mean until after my sister's wedding, at the end of October. o_O But a lot of it is Fun Writerly Stuff and Fun Wedding Stuff, so I'm excited, if slightly terrified by all the running aroundness.

3) My cousin (who is like a brother to me) and his girlfriend graduated from MICA this past Monday and I am super-proud of them! They're both so talented, and I'm always amazed at their work. (I think I link to John's blog on my side-bar, if anyone's interested.)

4) I have an inbox full of Awesome Stuff To Read/Critique. This makes me super-squeeful.

5) You should all give a round of applause to the marvelous Jessica Spotswood for hitting her BORN WICKED deadline(s). She's like a writing superhero! You all have February 2012 marked on your calendars, right? You're gonna want this book.

Back into the revision cave I go. I know, I know, I promised to be more interesting, but the work comes first, and I still have some work to do.

For now, I leave you with a quote:

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." ~ A. A. Milne

^^^obviously something I have to work on^^^

--

Also, betas! Last day to vote in the "thank you gift" poll, though it looks like option #2 is winning. Which possibly means I need to put it in the book somehow... o_O

*whispers* I might throw a lil Gen/Wynne in, too, for the romance fans ;-)

So... jessica_shea is a genius. Her notes got me thinking along "well, wait, what if..." lines &, well...

I'm rewriting my last chapter (or at least, brainstorming to rewrite it). It will be awesome.

I hope.

*shakes*

ETA: Also, my TANGLED DVD shipped today. I am SO excited you have no idea.

Edit v. revise, alter, rewrite, arrange materials for publication, prepare for the press, compose, compile, select, arrange, set up, censor, polish, finish, analyze, revise and correct, delete, condense, discard, strike out, write, proof-read, cut, trim, blue-pencil, doctor up*

Aside from "censor" and the assurances of "publication" and "the press", the words above summarize my current life. Less than 100 pages to go!

*from WEBSTER'S NEW WORLD THESAURUS by Charlton Laird (isn't that a fantastic name?) (c) 1974

So my wrists are doing better-- I'm fairly certain the problem is/was something I wrenched in my back while on my way to SCBWI (since everything wrist-wise kinda went to hell in the days following). I've gotten a massage (bliss) and am getting another one next week because I am apparently one 5'2" ball of stress & knots.

No, really. After being told by my massage therapist that she'd never put that much pressure on a n00b and said something about my "poor little neck" and that I should come back no later than two weeks from that day... Yeah. Plus I just felt so good, and have ever since, I think I'm sticking with that. All you people recommending that I try massage, you were totally right & I should have listened earlier.

Anyway! The real reason for this post, aside from me blathering about the wonders of massage, is that while my wrists are feeling better they are not 100% yet. And as I'm back to both banging out around 1000ish new words a day (Darlington) and hanging out in the revision cave for ACCURSED (which OMG, guys, it's getting so much better-- I love rewrites) which involves anywhere from 50-1000 words/day, well, those activities get my wrists for now.

Unfortunately, I can't end this post without mentioning the passing of L. K. Madigan, author of FLASH BURNOUT and THE MERMAID'S MIRROR. She was dearly beloved by the YA and LJ communities and will be most sorely missed. I never had the pleasure of knowing her, but from the outpouring of love I've seen everywhere online the last few days, I wish I had.

So, on my last entry jennygordon asked a very good question:

I'm curious - since I'm thinking of taking a more pantser-ing (is that even a word?!) approach with my new book. Do you find that you end up wandering down blind alleys and needing to throw out lots of what you've written with a pantser approach? Do you find it frustrating or liberating? I can see arguments for both approaches, but I'm particularly thinking of winging my new one a bit more because I think I killed the excitement of the last by over-plotting it

I started to answer her in the comments, but it got long (like everything I do! hee) so here's my long-story-long response:

The quickest, easiest answer to that is "Oh, god, yes." I throw out a lot of words.

Wings & Fangs: Bewitched was 113,431 words when I completed the first draft. Draft 2 was 77,891. Draft 3 was 75,361. The (current) final draft is 74,438. I threw out nearly 39k.

But I don't find that a problem. So I don't know that I can answer the "frustrating or liberating" question. I honestly cannot comprehend pre-plotting a story* (please read the footnote-- I have caveats). I can have an idea, but without knowing the main character, I have no story. And I find out about my character by writing their story.

Also, I write a lot of things that I'm well aware would never make it into a book-- backstory, scenes from other characters' perspectives, etc. So I have no qualms writing words that won't be seen by more than me & possibly some of my beta readers.

For me, the most frustrating part when it comes to over-writing is that I'll have Important Information stuck in a whole section of "unnecessary"-- so trying to find a way to work that into a different scene can drive me crazy (just ask b or Jess or my crit group!). But I can also find it insanely fun, like figuring out a puzzle. And when it clicks together-- that's the best feeling in the world.

That said, the story I'm revising now is much too long and I know it. Trying to get it down to size has definitely been frustrating. But knowing I couldn't have written the initial story any other way (I did use a very loose form of outlining-- once I'd gotten about 20k into it), I don't mind as much.

IMO, I think everyone should try plotting and everyone should try pants-ing, just to see what works for them. For me, I have to write myself into a story to find who the characters are and what's important to them. One of my forms of outlining is writing major scenes out of order and connecting them. A lot of what connects them will be deleted. A lot of the major scenes will have to be changed based on what I wrote in the connecting scenes. But that's what gets a story from the first line to THE END for me, so that's what I do. For other people, they can write out a whole plot before they write a single scene. Try whatever you want-- anything and everything-- and then stick with what works best for you.

Anyone else want to chime in...?

*I very much stand by this-- I cannot say "I want to write a horse book!" and plot one out. HOWEVER if I've decided I'm writing something I would like to be a series, once I know where that first book is going, I have to know the basics of what will happen in the other books. I have a horror of writing a first-in-a-series book & not putting in something necessary for later books! Also, since the next story I want to write has a fairy tale base, I already have that structure to go on & am pre-plotting the major events based on that. BUT I met the character first, then decided on the structure.